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wow. <3 [20 Jul 2009|02:54am]
i've seriously never ever ever been happier ever.
i'm so fucking lucky. <3
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/quit. [17 Jul 2009|04:57am]
That's right. 4 days without a cigarette. It's easy, but the side effects suck. I'm an insomniac, I have frequent panic attacks, but in the long run, this will be good.

Dena might have a collapsing trachea, and Bentley has a stomach problem :/

On the bright side, this guy is kinda adorable. :]
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Fml. [03 Jul 2009|02:12am]
Bentley pissed on my bed. What do I do to deserve this shit? And why is my whole entire family on Facebook? Why did I lose my best guy friend to a whore for a while? And why the fuck am I so forgiving? I must love getting hurt. Hmm.
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[30 Apr 2009|08:14pm]
Another STAC weekend.
last one :(
partying it up in b-Rockz room<3
drunk volleyball?! i think so! :D
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love life. [29 Apr 2009|12:29am]
[ mood | chipper ]

i'm just chillin with a lovely ice cold beer, enjoying the weather and enjoying my friends. <3 almost done. can't wait for summer09 with lisa lia kara brauer and all my other peeps!! :]

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woooow. [28 Apr 2009|02:10pm]
philosophy is hella boring.
politics is lame.
but i still have the best roommates ever.
because we have random water fights at 2:30am.
&& we get our nails done whenever we feel like it.
we're three peas in a pod. :]

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black man securrrty. [26 Apr 2009|12:21pm]
idk what happened last night...
it was pretty hilarious though.
we drove places and saw people
didn't go home until 5am.

i really love college. <3
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man i love college. <3 [25 Apr 2009|08:17pm]
legit party in the woods tonight.
love my friends!
can't wait. =]

repeat of last night? maybe..:]
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omg =] did that REALLY happen?! [25 Apr 2009|01:32pm]
thank God people were there, because i'm in shockkkkk.
thank you, jon for making out with me..IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COMMONS...<3 you da bestttt.

such a drunken night i loved every second of it. =]
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Engagement?! [24 Apr 2009|09:54pm]
So I got the news that Alexey & Kim got engaged. I'm really happy for them. It's been a rough year for Lex with Nik's death...I hope things get better for him.

Idk, I'm happy for them, but hearing about that just made me feel more empty than ever. They're young, and they found that real love...when's something like that going to happen to me? :/

Maybe i'm just meant to be alone in life. But thinking about being alone scares the shit out of me. I just feel so damn empty.
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Realization.. [01 Oct 2008|11:39pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I should have seen, three years ago, that this would be the most fucked up and unusual, one sided friendship.

It's like he's so superior to me, and I'm just some stupid kid that knows nothing. He knows everything about everything...or so it seems.

I dunno how much longer I'll allow myself to put up with this shit.

I'll probably be cutting this cord soon.

I just don't need this type of friend.

Especially since it'll never be anything more...

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[06 Oct 2007|06:07pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

it must be your skin, that i'm sinking in...
must be for real, cause now i can feel...

...sometimes, i love him, and even I don't realize it...

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[17 Sep 2007|11:00pm]
i'm thinking of doing something i know my friends would KILL me for.
but actually, it's time to be happy.
fuck yeahh.
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Oh, It's what you do to me. [25 Jul 2007|12:50pm]
Summer's been quite generous to me. Despite the fact that I got stuck with summer school, It's been pretty supafly. Playland trips with my girls, car rides with brittany and carla, crazy random outings with an assortment of different people, PLAIN WHITE T'S CONCERT AT PLAYLAND!! I'm so in for that. It'll be amazing, because I'm totally inviting Andrew. He finally figured out who's been leaving notes on his car. ;] We're hanging out when he has a day off, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I'm sick of being single. At first, it was a lot of fun because I was free of the immature idiot, and I felt more like myself. I didn't have to worry about hanging out with friends, because no one was going to get pissed if I did. I had no more of those "so, your friends are more important than me?" conversations, and I was just happy. But now that I've met someone who's older, and funnier, I have to admit that I'm missing being in a relationship.

I talked to the love of my life today. Kristen and I finally ended the telephone tag, and figured out that we're both in for this upcoming concert. It should be a lot of fun, because I'll be with all my friends, and we'll just have a really amazing time. I'm hoping Balis and Kate will be able to make it. I hardly get to see them, but they're still my best friends, and nothing's going to tear us apart.

In terms of style, I'm constantly changing. One day, I'll look preppy, another day, I'll look like some emo kid. I think my style is more individual than it's ever been, and that makes me happy.

Nothing's really changed other than my dad's health, which took a turn for the worse. It really hurts to see my father so frail, because when I was little, he would act like superman, and we'd have so much fun. But now he can hardly walk, and he's upset. He's on a walker, and it's painful for everyone. He's in desperate need of a kidney transplant, and I want to give him one of my kidneys. I want to do anything I can to help my father live so he can see me graduate, get married, and maybe so he can even meet his future grandkids. I don't want him to die soon, and that's why this is so scary. Every doctor he's been to has said the same thing. "He's a very sick man, and we're not sure how long we can keep him going." Even if my dad loses everything, and can't walk, I'd still want him to stay alive for me. I hate how people are like, "I know what you're going through." because they really don't. It's the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been through, and I keep praying that I'm able to stay strong.

I guess that's about all I have to say right now. I'm planning on going out to Reno for a few days to visit my cousin's grave and possibly get some closure. I don't know how this will go, but I'm hoping I can come to terms with what's happened.
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[12 Apr 2007|08:31pm]
Conformity pisses me off.
All the scene kids that I know have gone off and dyed their hair.
The only problem with that is:
They all look the same now.
Black hair with bits of Bleach blond.
It's pathetic.
It's them completely giving up themselves to fit in with the crowd.
But, My God, would it be so horrible to be different?
Would it be so bad to have an identity, and not be some person who's every move is predictable?
I love people who are unique.
It makes them more alive.
It makes them complerely wonderful.
I notice people who are different.
I notive people who have a personality of their own, and not one decided for them by other people.
Who can say what's cool and what's not?
It should be left up to the person who sees it.
And It should not be influenced by someone else.
It's time for people to make up their own minds.

It's what made him less appealing to me.
Blending in with the crowd.
It's not what I expected at all.
It's not something I want to be part of.
But it's painful to realise that.
It makes me feel shallow.
And God knows I have no right to be shallow.
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For the record; [20 Mar 2007|10:54pm]
I'd like to emphasize on the fact that I don't enjoy waking up crying after being visited by yet another nightmare surrounding the concept of my cousin's death;
That's exactly what's happene the past three nights. It's creepy because in these nightmares, she's struggling and trying to reach out to me for help. I'm now pondering why I'm having this re-occuring nightmare. Where is this bad dream going to get her? Where is it going to get me?

It's been 5 months since she was taken from us. Five long, brutal months. It isn't even close to over, though. No. The federal and state court systems want to make sure that my family suffers for a very long time.

The trial won't be for a year, and he's trying to plead insanity; he was under the influence when he confessed. I'm not buying his story. Not even for a second.

You may see it as a biased opinion, yet can you blame me? This man took a very important person from my life. For that, I will always hope for the worst for him. Can't anyone else agree with me?
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[08 Mar 2007|08:30pm]
[ mood | sad ]

As It turns out, I'm not going to be a godmother...
My aunt, Maurene, lost the baby.
I'm sad.

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[28 Feb 2007|10:09pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I really feel that I belong somewhere else.
I really am feeling the need to get on a plane and go to Nevada or Ireland.
A piece of my heart is in each of those places, and I can't help but feel that it's there that I need to be.
I need to defend Joan, and get her murderer locked away for good, I feel I owe that to her because of all the things she had done for me.
I need to just visit her grave, and get the closure I've wanted since her death.
I need to know, or realize, that she's in a better place with my grandpa and Uncle Bob.
I just need to know that she's okay, and that she's moved on to a better 'afterlife'.

I find myself drifting off, and imagining endless green fields.
It's so pretty in Ireland.
It's so clean and magnificent.
It's where my family worked, and reigned over.
They say our name is from royalty.
And I imagine my ancestors being rulers of such a beautiful land.
I spent the best week of my life there.
I met my grandmother's only surviving sibling.
She's about 97, and she marveled over me.
She held my hand and cried.
She told me how much I reminded her of a woman I've never met before.
She wanted me to realize how proud my grandmother would have been of me if she had lived to see me.
Her words made me cry, but made me feel so much at home.
It broke my heart to leave there.
But I knew I'd return.
Someday, when I'm at school, or if I'm in my home, my mind wanders off to a place that remains in my heart.
The rebellious parades down the main street in Dublin, the murals on the stone walls depicting and reminding us of the past,
The old castles and ruins, the cliffs of moher, the views of the Atlantic Ocean, the friendly people, driving on the wrong side of the road, cousins you've never met before joking around with you over multiple cigarettes, the stories about grandmammy, and my dad and Aunt Kathy from when they were my age and younger, The talks about medical history in my family, and finding out why my dad was sick, and what made him get sick.
Every little thing about Ireland makes me want to just go back and run through the fields, or feed the chickens in Aunie Kate Ann's yard.
She's got the most adorable cottage in the countryside, and I loved spending time there. She gave me flowers from her garden, the same garden my grandmammy once wandered around in. Cousin Andy singing and joking around, and Brigid telling me how everyone's related through pictures and old home videos.

It's Ireland that I belong in.
And one day, I know I'll be there again.

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[04 Feb 2007|07:00pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

I don't even want to talk to either one of them.
I've decided that I don't need them.
They're not my friends.
And I don't think they ever were.
I'm sick of her "peace-maker" attitude,
and how she always trys to get involved.
I'm sick of her sticking her nose in things
that have absolutely nothing to do with her.
I'm sick of her acting the role of the victim,
when both of us are the bullies.
I'm sick of going down this rocky road.
So from here on out, we're over.

As for the other one.
I'm sick of her not caring what happens to her.
She should realize that she has a life ahead of her.
Maybe I shouldn't have helped her.
Maybe she's far gone.
But you can't blame me for trying.
I thought she was my friend.
She must have been just using me.
To get rides home every night.
But I was too blind to see
That she was just fucking me over.
She probably did talk behind my back.
I hope her ass gets fried.

They're both going to end up fucked.
They might even end up killed.
But it's all out of my hands.
And I don't give a shit about them anymore.
This is my good-bye to two friendships.
I hope they learn shit the hard way.

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Update On Life.. [13 Jan 2007|09:30pm]
This might sound crazy;
I keep thinking about breaking up with Brandon.
It's like: one minute, we're fine.
The next minute, we're fighting.

I noticed something today.
I am not Brandon's type.
He looks better next to some emo slut.
It's true.

When he changed his hair, I got really mad.
I don't know why.
His personality changed with his hair.
It bothers me.

In other news;
I kissed both Lia and Kara.

Brandon kissed Leno.
We're so weird, man.

I guess it's just a phase I'm going through.
The thought of breaking up with Brandon makes me very sad.
The thought of staying with him makes me smile.
There is just something about him.
Something good, but it's a mystery.

Brandon i/m'ed my ex, asking him if he still has feelings for me.
I think Brandon gets jealous almost as much as I do.
After all my friends implied that I had a really tough time getting over this ex [no names will be mentioned because it's more than obvious...], Brandon's always asking me about him.

Oh well.

"Give me a song && I'll sing it like I mean it;
Give me the words && I'll say them like I mean them.
'Cuz you've got my ♥ in a headlock;
You stop the blood && make my head soft;
&& God knows - you've got me sewn.

[ i finally threw out my cigarettes. I'm kicking the habit. ]
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